Despite our collective need to find the one, there is no handbook on moving on after a split. It’s hardly surprising that a breakup can leave people feeling isolated, confused, hurt, and depressed.
Many professionals consider a broken heart to be a manifestation of sadness. As a result, you should know that you are not alone in your efforts to recover from a breakup.
A lack of resolution often compounds the pain of mourning the end of a relationship, and a breakup is a classic example of an ambiguous loss. This is when the question: how to get over a breakup? arises.
This can delay recovery and leave us with a sense of unresolvedness. It’s not simply the person we loved that we mourn after a breakup, but also the hopes and plans we had for ourselves.
It’s a complicated heartbreak with many layers. Though there is no magic bullet for moving on from a past relationship, there are steps you may take to aid in your recovery.
With the help of effective guidance, you may put your broken relationship in the past and start over.
Here are some steps or actions you can take to recover from a breakup.
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Treat the heartbreak as you would a physical wound
When recovering from a broken heart, psychologist Andrea Liner recommends treating yourself with the same compassion you’d show a sick loved one.
Dr. Liner says, “You may not be operating at 100%, and that’s good,” adding that if you broke your leg, for example, you wouldn’t punish yourself by skipping the gym.
“Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend who is going through an emotional hurt,” she advises.
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Embrace your emotions and let yourself be affected by them
Licensed clinical social worker and professor Susan Birne-Stone, Ph.D., of Brooklyn, recommends setting a timer for 10–20 minutes and allowing yourself to experience your emotions without analyzing or suppressing them.
Express yourself in writing about the split, but don’t send the letter to your ex (or speak your thought out loud). Once the alarm goes off, you should ask yourself, “What do I need?”
Should I contact a loved one? Is there any activity required? Should I take a bath, eat, indulge in some self-care, or kick back with a good movie?
Asking, “What can I do right now that will be caring and make me feel good afterward?” It’s okay to do this again and again!
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Get back in touch with what brings you joy
Dr. Liner recommends picking up some old interests you may have abandoned. She notes that “we naturally shift away from various interests while dating” and that “getting back to them can be uplifting.”
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Find a lot of good people to back you up
A natural reaction to a breakup is to seek solace in one’s social circle. Fear of rejection or humiliation should not prevent you from trying.
Dr. Liner adds that one of his patients’ biggest concerns during a breakup is that they would be a burden or an annoyance to their friends and family.
So, switching up your conversation partners occasionally can prove useful. Some of your friends may not be shocked to hear the news of your split, depending on how long you’ve been dating and how often you’ve seen them.
With any luck, they’ll jump into action and make you feel better in ways only individuals who know you well can.
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Don’t be afraid to say sorry to those who have been there for you
Dr. Liner advises that if you feel the pull to reconnect with friends and family members, you may have lost touch with them while you were in your relationship or during the pandemic’s chaos; you can do so and, if necessary, admit your error.
Example: “I know I stopped prioritizing our friendship while I was in my relationship, and I regret that.” This is one of several scripts she suggests trying if you’ve practically fallen out of orbit since you’re so in love.
If you’re interested in rekindling our friendship, I will welcome the opportunity. As an alternative, you may say, “I got extremely caught up in having a significant other and now understand that it wasn’t cool of me to disappear on you like that.
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If you currently do not have a therapist, you may want to consider getting one.
Dr. Liner thinks that having an objective, neutral, third-party observer is crucial for learning from past interactions and improving in the future.
If your mental health has taken a serious hit after the split, this is very crucial. Everyone experiencing a considerable decline in functioning—not eating or sleeping, missing or having trouble at work, significant mood or mental state changes—should pay special attention to this recommendation, which I stress even more strongly for those who have experienced it.
Dr. Liner argues that these traits can manifest in an invasive or suicidal personality or mental process. You need help but don’t know where to start looking for it. The first step is right here.
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Try as much as you can to hold your temper
After a breakup, how long does it take to feel normal again? There is no simple solution, so please be patient. That’s right; it’s far simpler to say than to do. Dr. Liner warns that the discomfort won’t vanish immediately and that healing takes time.
Sometimes you’ll feel great, and other times it’ll be a struggle, she warns. “Your thoughts and feelings may move about in the stages of grief for a while,” says Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Studio City, California.
It’s acceptable to accept and appreciate yourself exactly as you are at any given moment along the path. Habiba Jessica Zaman, a therapist based in Tucker, Georgia, notes the length and significance of a relationship and how long it takes for the wounds to heal.
It can be difficult to move on if this is your first serious relationship or your first time sharing living quarters with someone.
Even though everyone grieves in their way and at their own pace, Zaman suggests getting treatment if you’ve been sad for more than a year.
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Get some space away from them
Decker says, “we must start distancing ourselves from the person.” Given the interconnected nature of human connections, this can be challenging.
She suggests starting by “talking less and listening more” or limiting exchanges to only those topics essential to resolving the issue as retrieving your belongings.
Whether or not you should erase an ex’s number or block them on social media is a highly individual decision. It all comes down to the particulars of your case.
Keep the line of communication open, but assess the impact it has on you, as advised by Decker. After treating the wound caused by a breakup, Dr. Liner advises patients to leave it alone.
She warns that “picking at your scratch” each time you get in touch with your ex is counterproductive. In the same way that picking at scratch can spread illness and leave scars, it can also delay the processes of mental healing.
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If necessary, a third-party mediator should be appointed.
Of course, there are some cases where it is inappropriate to strictly limit communication, such as if you are already living together, if you share a pet, or if you are co-parenting a child.
Dr. Liner recommends seeking temporary distance from the situation by having a trustworthy friend or family member handle logistics on your behalf.
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Don’t keep anything that will remind you of your ex
Getting rid of all reminders of the person is “the healthiest coping method,” as Zaman puts it. (That doesn’t imply throwing away everything, as we’ll see.)
Zaman says that keeping the lines of contact open, or even old messages or phone calls, “keeps hope that [you’ll] perhaps get back together.”
Moving on with your life without this individual could be hampered. Yet, once some time has passed, and you’re able to look back on the relationship with some fondness, you may find yourself wishing you still had specific souvenirs from the time you spent together, which leads us to our next piece of advice.
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Make good decisions about how and where to keep your memories
Decker suggests placing any items you care about that remind you of your ex into a box and storing it somewhere out of sight until you are in a better mental state to decide what to do with them.
If you are worried that you may eventually return and find your ex’s old sweater that you slept in every night, hiding it may not be the best idea.
Instead, try asking a trusted friend to hide or hold on to these items.
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Go on a date with yourself (with all due respect)
If you’re thinking about rolling your eyes at this, remember that it could prove useful. Whenever Montreal-based Tarot and astrology expert Jeanine Duval goes through a breakup, she pretends to be dating herself.
She treats herself to dates and makes elaborate meals for one. Like you would treat the best spouse in the world, treat yourself like the best partner.
This is because of the simple reason that, as she puts it, “you are your own best partner.”
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You shouldn’t follow your ex around/stalking
Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you by following them on social media or asking friends in common to fill you in on their going-on; you have no business being involved in their lives.
You can’t let go of them just because you know what they’re up to. Decker continues, “If you are monitoring their [social media] compulsively, it would benefit you to either unfriend, block, or conceal them, as is an option on several apps.”
If you struggle to complete these tasks, you may want to ask a friend for assistance.
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Stay away from any sexual encounters with them
It may seem apparent, but maintaining physical contact with an ex will make it extremely difficult to move on.
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If you are not emotionally prepared for dating, it’s ok to take a vacation from dating.
It’s natural to feel anxious about starting over as a single person, but you needn’t stress about it. Decker warns that rushing into new relationships before you’re ready can have negative consequences.
She argues that this can make things worse by adding “extra stress and regret” to an already difficult situation.
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Remember to assess your readiness regularly
When is it time to start dating again? When “good emotions routinely outweigh negative ones,” Decker writes, “you often find yourself laughing and feeling more like yourself.”
You may also have a healthy relationship if you rarely feel negative emotions when remembering your partner. On the other hand, this isn’t always the case; some people can date successfully while dealing with negative emotions about a past relationship.
In the end, though, dating will be most satisfying if you seek to improve your life rather than merely alleviate feelings of isolation.
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Posting as an act of vengeance against your ex is unacceptable
You’ve done it before: carefully selected social media postings designed to make your ex jealous, flaunt your success, or show them how fantastic you’re doing, all while keeping them in mind.
Since this is the case, they continue to occupy prime real estate in your thoughts. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with these posts, but you should tread carefully if you think it will hurt your feelings if your ex doesn’t see your story or email you after a particularly amazing post on your feed.
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Think about helping out in the community
Nelli Kim, the 43-year-old New York City creator of a shoe firm with a social mission, discovered that volunteering helped her focus on something other than her divorce.
She explains that she went on a mission trip to help the victims of sex trafficking in Mumbai. One good deed might lead to another good deed when you volunteer.
Study after study has shown that giving back to the community improves not only the lives of those involved but also the volunteers’ own mental and emotional health.
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Keep your mind on making fresh connections and new memories
If visiting your favorite coffee shop, listening to music, or taking your dog for a walk were all things you shared with your ex, it can be difficult to do such things on your own after a breakup.
However, take this time to make new, happy memories apart from your ex. A certified clinical social worker from Linthicum, Maryland, named Sa Boli, suggests going to a restaurant you and your ex used to frequently go to with friends and deciding to have a nice time there instead, or going to a new restaurant and making a new memory.
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There’s no need to wait for closure before you can let yourself heal and go on
Putting off getting well by telling yourself things like “I’ll be over it when X, Y, or Z happens” is a certain way to prolong the pain. It’s unfair to condition your recovery on something you may never get, like an explanation or apology.
It’s normal to have occasional flashbacks to your ex as the year’s pass. According to Zaman, this is quite normal and shows that even when ending a positive relationship, there is no “perfect” form of closure. These are how you can overcome the dilemma of ” How to get over a breakup?”
References:
- https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-get-over-a-breakup
- https://www.thecut.com/article/how-to-get-over-a-breakup.html
- https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up
- https://www.self.com/story/get-over-a-breakup
- https://relationshiphero.com/room/fxeyh4
- https://www.vox.com/first-person/2017/1/3/13938008/breakup-strategies-research
- https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a22788375/how-to-get-over-a-breakup/
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